The Person I've Become

A Substack Exclusive Column

Throughout my life, I have experienced any number of major shifts, breaking the timeline into before and after. We’ve all been there. A thing happens, life goes on, you go on, but you are different. I’ve been reminded recently that you can micro-dose this kind of thing.

For the better part of the last two weeks, I’ve been dealing with a cold. It began with the usual precursors, settled into the main event, and now I find myself contending with the predictable remnants, including a cough that’s signature trait is showing up at the most inconvenient of times.

I’m not the same person now that I was before May started. My phone has informed me that my activity level has waned substantially, my diet has largely been soup-based, I skipped my weekly column, I even had to step out of a planned t.v. interview. When I called to confirm the cancellation with my friend and boss at the National Comedy Center, he picked up the phone with signature humor.

“Is this Bea Arthur or Brenda Vaccaro?” He asked.

I replied with a simple, “Hello.” We both giggled at the ridiculousness of the sound, every bit a gravelly croak.

“I feel better,” I explained, “but I still sound awful!”

And so it’s been. Every time I open my mouth, I’m not sure what’s going to come out, but I know I’ll get a similar reaction.

“Are you all right?”

And, of course, that’s a very good question under normal circumstances and one I have asked myself any number of times recently.

I’ve gotten back to work this past week: writing, making content, working on a couple of upcoming presentations. I’ve had more energy and enthusiasm to make and eat more substantial foods. I even showered, did my hair, and went on a walk outside. Still, I am not 100%, so I’ve been resting, hydrating, and finding myself in corners of the Internet I have not been before.

Seeing a new algorithm take hold of you is fascinating, and it’s easy to understand how people get sucked down any number of rabbit holes. Mine dragged me back to the court of Henry VIII, which, in comparison to current events, seems, in some ways, more civilized or at least more straightforward.

Photo by British Library on Unsplash

Thanks to their videos on YouTube, the scholars and staff that work out of places like Hever Castle, former seat of power for the Boleyn family, and the Tower of London feel like old friends now.

“Is that Tracy Borman?” I ask myself before tucking into another video. She quickly became one of my favorites, a historian and author whose voice kept me company as I drifted in and out of consciousness lying on the couch.

The best moment of the week, though, had to be when I tried explaining all this to my husband. I started talking about my new interest, how I’d been watching the videos, and how amazing it was that Henry VIII had turned his whole life and England upside down and ended the lives of so many just in the pursuit of a male heir. Then, he died thinking he had failed at securing succession to the throne, all because he discounted his daughters and the idea that women could rule.

“Meanwhile,” I continued, still sounding like Mr. Toad of Toad Hall, “Elizabeth I ended up being one of the most influential monarchs in British history thanks, in part, to the path her sister paved before her.”

He paused, and I half expected him to check if I was running a fever, but instead, he said something that surprised me.

“I’m not familiar with these people you’re talking about.”

Friends. I don’t know if you’ve ever had the opportunity to explain Henry VIII’s love life like it’s a Netflix true crime documentary, but it was the highlight of my entire week. Whether he wanted it or not, Chip was subscribed to my podcast.

“And THEN,” I croaked, needing a sip of water as my voice started to disappear and a cough came on, “he sent for a swordsman from France to have Anne Boleyn beheaded! Scholars believe it was his final gift to her so her death would be swift. The executioners usually used axes, and it was pretty gnarly.”

I don’t remember his exact response, but it was something along the lines of, “Oh my God.”

And it was in that moment I realized I had been really living a completely different life, and this was what was passing for normal conversation in my very small world.

Still, I thought it best to write all of this down, if, for no other reason, than to remind myself of a time in my own history when I found it comforting to watch educational videos about history, letting the algorithm rock me to sleep with a detailed breakdown of the War of the Roses or the Black Plague.

I’m hopeful, as always, to be back to whatever version of normal comes next. In the meantime, I’ll keep nursing myself back to health. Sure, a bad cold can be uncomfortable and inconvenient, but in the grand scheme, it’s nothing to lose your head over.

Due to illness, I did not have my usual column published in the Perry Herald this week. This column is exclusive to Substack.